Spoiled Thing.

Maybe I am spoiled.
Maybe I am just like Joe. I have to get the attention I want or I become dominance obsessed and start biting.
Its not about dominance though, maybe I am really tweaked. That would explain ALOT.
I really need to learn how to rely on myself to be happy/secure/ and just straight up o.k.
I've learned from experience that theres no other way, no one can possibly fill this.
No one has enough TIME. I rely on humans, and I'm screwed.
I don't even keep Joe happy, he bites and I kick him out.
I'm twisted.
Over Christmas break I had learned that you can't be in a relationship in less you know yourself and you can't know yourself till you know Christ.
Otherwise, how can you give yourself to someone else?
I also learned that you can't want another person, you have to want to want them, but you can't want them. Once you begin to want them they begin to define you, and you loose yourself.
These are the only things I know for sure in regards to relationships.
And I think I've failed both. First, I'm not with Christ as much as I was before. I still feel His glory around me, I still love His sky, but I'm not as close-knit as I once was.Not only that but I don't really know myself. (obviously, I wouldn't be having a late night realization other wise.)
Well, I guess I can't expect to ever really know myself, but I should expect to like myself. right?
The second failure is , I need David. This is not good. He should NOT have that responsibility. Our relationship should be an equal sharing of ourselves with each other, and equal responsibility.And It leads to me being clingy, which makes me ashamed of myself. I feel like a whipped spoiled puppy.I want to love, and be loved, I want to be confident, and build confidence, I want to know myself and be able to give myself.
My solutions are simple. I'm going to have to rely on myself more, if I don't cut it, then I don't cut it.I can't let others help me. I have to learn sooner or later. Second is I'm going to carry my own weight in my relationship even if it means taking some alone time and working outside of our relationship on myself.I can't count on people. I know that sounds like something a typical depressed teenager would say.. Don't try to argue with me on that one though, I'm not saying it for attention like an emo, and I don't deserve pity. I know it to be the truth, and I'm going to take action regarding it. I've know this for a long time, and now is the best time for me to grow up and accept it.
Before I loose everything that matters the most to me.