I love Maryland.
I went for a bike ride with my brother,
and right out of the suburbia is a wild life park
with hills, bridges, and streams.
the hills are huge and steep and condensed.
Perfection.
I am the queen at riding a bike with no handles, no matter the bike,
I feel like I tamed a lion.
I could spread my arms
and feel the wind ripple through my shirt
as I finished the wildest hill
the grass is so green here,
cherry blossom petals are sprinkled on the trails and side walks
squirrels and birds were flying out of the path everywhere
We saw a beaver,
and the water was sooo very pretty.
It rippled in a way that reminds me of a tree trunk's rings.
We sat and talked on the bridge at the end of the trail for awhile.
It was really really nice.
The sun light feels so good and the air is so fresh and freeing.
And the whole place smells like flowers.
Right now,
My heart fucking hurts
Tough shit,
It will never be worth it.
The proof is in the pudding.
I refuse to be ignorant.
I broke up with David Apr. 4th 2010.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Monday, November 30, 2009
I am sick
And it sucks.
My face is all dry
I feel so gross.
All I've eaten today is a cracker and some cheese
I can't force myself to eat
I napped most of the day away
I took a verrrry long shower
Now, I wait for my shows and do h.w.
eventuallly.
Im so nervous about the upcoming 9th.
Judgement day.
Did I get in, or not.
My face is all dry
I feel so gross.
All I've eaten today is a cracker and some cheese
I can't force myself to eat
I napped most of the day away
I took a verrrry long shower
Now, I wait for my shows and do h.w.
eventuallly.
Im so nervous about the upcoming 9th.
Judgement day.
Did I get in, or not.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
11/04/2009
Today I am 18.
I accept this as not a celebration but a challenge of responsibility.
It is my time to be reliable, rational, and strong.
I love today's weather.
I'm sick. But my window is open and the golden light of fall is playing on my floor.
Medecine really works numbers on me. I tried to go to sleep, after taking pseudosomething hydrochloride. And I started stressing that I was suppose to be doing something in Anatonmy. I was really worked up. Then I woke up to the sound of the garbage trucks going up and down my road and had an anxiety attack in which I imagined them hitting my car and driving off with it. Then I woke up later and was really worried that I had poisoned my self or something.
So I googled the medecine I took (because it had me so paranoid I just had to know).
It's known for causing anxiety and panic attacks as a side effect.
I love FSU. I see it everywhere. I want to go there so badly. It's beautiful, especially in the fall. I'm finished with my application and now I wait anxiously.
I'm trying to decide on a bedspread for college. I've picked one out that I like. Ive also been buying other small things and tabbing some things for my dorm. I'm so excited.
Tonight, for my birthday, me and my family (my dad, lydia, and ant) are going to my favorite restraunt. Back Alley Bistro. Today is a day I want to spend with my family. I dont want a bday party or anything like that, just some nice family time. I feel bad though because Tommy and Brent have to stay home: its pretty sad when I can't even get some family time without feeling bad.
My dad is really worried I want to move out right now. Roger made a joke yesterday about suitcases being ready for me in the morning, my dad didnt say anything, but I said "Oh, they'll be there." And my dad said, "Not tomorow, not tomorrow. Graduation though" and Roger was like "They wont be outside, they'll be in her car then."
My dad keeps encouraging college, lately, and it's surprising. I don't know what I think of this. The fact that I was turnig / am now 18 is hitting him pretty hard.
Im an adult now though, I want to behave like one.
I accept this as not a celebration but a challenge of responsibility.
It is my time to be reliable, rational, and strong.
I love today's weather.
I'm sick. But my window is open and the golden light of fall is playing on my floor.
Medecine really works numbers on me. I tried to go to sleep, after taking pseudosomething hydrochloride. And I started stressing that I was suppose to be doing something in Anatonmy. I was really worked up. Then I woke up to the sound of the garbage trucks going up and down my road and had an anxiety attack in which I imagined them hitting my car and driving off with it. Then I woke up later and was really worried that I had poisoned my self or something.
So I googled the medecine I took (because it had me so paranoid I just had to know).
It's known for causing anxiety and panic attacks as a side effect.
I love FSU. I see it everywhere. I want to go there so badly. It's beautiful, especially in the fall. I'm finished with my application and now I wait anxiously.
I'm trying to decide on a bedspread for college. I've picked one out that I like. Ive also been buying other small things and tabbing some things for my dorm. I'm so excited.
Tonight, for my birthday, me and my family (my dad, lydia, and ant) are going to my favorite restraunt. Back Alley Bistro. Today is a day I want to spend with my family. I dont want a bday party or anything like that, just some nice family time. I feel bad though because Tommy and Brent have to stay home: its pretty sad when I can't even get some family time without feeling bad.
My dad is really worried I want to move out right now. Roger made a joke yesterday about suitcases being ready for me in the morning, my dad didnt say anything, but I said "Oh, they'll be there." And my dad said, "Not tomorow, not tomorrow. Graduation though" and Roger was like "They wont be outside, they'll be in her car then."
My dad keeps encouraging college, lately, and it's surprising. I don't know what I think of this. The fact that I was turnig / am now 18 is hitting him pretty hard.
Im an adult now though, I want to behave like one.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Current Life Archetype: The Initiation
My life just pivoted.
Im facing the other side of the court: and I'm panicking.
Im here.
This is my now.
My body gets hot when Im stressd, and this reaction has become very common as of late.
Im here, at the awakening.
When my body is constantly fighting off paranoia and miny panic attacks.
When my fingers feel long and sure on the key board.
When I know the taste of satisfaction and confidence.
When responsibility is my favorite tool to weild against the demonic creatures in the world of education.
This is where I'm at : The Initiation.
Here I come college!!
The point where all the innocence has been worn off through the process. When the chubby cheeks of my friends from freshman year make me want to cry.
This is our awakening into adulthood. The child at slumber.
I feel like a tree planted and sturdy. I feel reliable.Dependable.Sure.Assertive.
I feel like I am Here: The final stride into my journey.
Legs, don't fail me now.
Im facing the other side of the court: and I'm panicking.
Im here.
This is my now.
My body gets hot when Im stressd, and this reaction has become very common as of late.
Im here, at the awakening.
When my body is constantly fighting off paranoia and miny panic attacks.
When my fingers feel long and sure on the key board.
When I know the taste of satisfaction and confidence.
When responsibility is my favorite tool to weild against the demonic creatures in the world of education.
This is where I'm at : The Initiation.
Here I come college!!
The point where all the innocence has been worn off through the process. When the chubby cheeks of my friends from freshman year make me want to cry.
This is our awakening into adulthood. The child at slumber.
I feel like a tree planted and sturdy. I feel reliable.Dependable.Sure.Assertive.
I feel like I am Here: The final stride into my journey.
Legs, don't fail me now.
Friday, September 18, 2009
If you want crap things to stop happening you
make them stop happening to you.
I want to be a hardcore doctor.
I want to intimidate the hell out of everyone.
I want to know what I'm talking about.
I want to be a hardcore doctor.
I want to intimidate the hell out of everyone.
I want to know what I'm talking about.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
I Feel Like Crying
I don't know why.
I just read all my blogs.
Theres something depressing about knowing you only get stupider as you get older.
I can remark on my running progress.
I said often " I need to work on being secure."
I made it.
Partially.
I feel confident on the street, in stores. I feel tall.
I've never felt tall before.
It's remarkable.
I said I wanted to get in the habit of doing homework etc, Im there.
I do my homework. (except, right now.)
Everyman is his own island.
They can't lend you pencils in class.
"With-a- what did you do, and what did you say?
Skillet on the stove, such a temptation,
Maybe I'll be the lucky one that doesn't get
burned."
I made a list of friends and how much I missed them..It's strange how things change.
I still love JoJo. Today's his birthday. He use to say he would die when he was 18..
I don't know what I would do without him. He's made it so far today.
I still crave Montana.
Im not sure why. It's just so beautiful.
I want to go into the medical field, still. I just worry about the financial aspect of going to a university for 8 years.
The sweat from practice today burned my eyes so intensly, they're still red.
We got our jerseys for the meet saturday; I got #32.
Im really happy about this. That was my basketball and volley ball number in W.A.
I miss Washington terribly. I can't stay in Florida.
Its humid..and it's Florida.
Honestly, that is why I want to leave.
Yesterday David mentioned how stupid people at FSU were, and how he expected that to change since they weren't in h.s anymore.
I said " Well, it is a state school." and he said.
"No, its in Florida.Everyone comes here to party."
And that, is the truth. I never thought about it before.
Trajedy of the Commons, quickly, is the problem of individual interests vs. he long-term well being of the society.
This is inspiring.
I just read all my blogs.
Theres something depressing about knowing you only get stupider as you get older.
I can remark on my running progress.
I said often " I need to work on being secure."
I made it.
Partially.
I feel confident on the street, in stores. I feel tall.
I've never felt tall before.
It's remarkable.
I said I wanted to get in the habit of doing homework etc, Im there.
I do my homework. (except, right now.)
Everyman is his own island.
They can't lend you pencils in class.
"With-a- what did you do, and what did you say?
Skillet on the stove, such a temptation,
Maybe I'll be the lucky one that doesn't get
burned."
I made a list of friends and how much I missed them..It's strange how things change.
I still love JoJo. Today's his birthday. He use to say he would die when he was 18..
I don't know what I would do without him. He's made it so far today.
I still crave Montana.
Im not sure why. It's just so beautiful.
I want to go into the medical field, still. I just worry about the financial aspect of going to a university for 8 years.
The sweat from practice today burned my eyes so intensly, they're still red.
We got our jerseys for the meet saturday; I got #32.
Im really happy about this. That was my basketball and volley ball number in W.A.
I miss Washington terribly. I can't stay in Florida.
Its humid..and it's Florida.
Honestly, that is why I want to leave.
Yesterday David mentioned how stupid people at FSU were, and how he expected that to change since they weren't in h.s anymore.
I said " Well, it is a state school." and he said.
"No, its in Florida.Everyone comes here to party."
And that, is the truth. I never thought about it before.
Trajedy of the Commons, quickly, is the problem of individual interests vs. he long-term well being of the society.
This is inspiring.
I just
created a new file, titled "12th Grade"
It felt good.
I have a favorite song.
Depressing.
I listen to it on repeat everyday.
Sideways by Citizen Cope.
My legs, and shoulder regions, and who knows HOW but my back
are all sore.
XC's first race is Saturday. Im in it.
Im really proud. JV, but none the less.
Im trying out for the soccer team. I really want it, so very badly.
I practice every day. Im trying to get juggling down.
I've been watching alot of Daria. (Well, 1 and 3/4 episodes lol)
It's so hilarious.
Lately Ive been watching the funniest episodes of all the shows. For example:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8rcrYoJvRyM&feature=channel_page
Funniest episode of That 70's Show Ive ever seen.
OMG I HEARD THE FUNNIEST NEWS YESTERDAY!!! I DIED LAUGHING!! It literally put me in a good mood all day.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jarnMF7rD_I&feature=related
I promise you'll be laughing your ass off.
It felt good.
I have a favorite song.
Depressing.
I listen to it on repeat everyday.
Sideways by Citizen Cope.
My legs, and shoulder regions, and who knows HOW but my back
are all sore.
XC's first race is Saturday. Im in it.
Im really proud. JV, but none the less.
Im trying out for the soccer team. I really want it, so very badly.
I practice every day. Im trying to get juggling down.
I've been watching alot of Daria. (Well, 1 and 3/4 episodes lol)
It's so hilarious.
Lately Ive been watching the funniest episodes of all the shows. For example:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8rcrYoJvRyM&feature=channel_page
Funniest episode of That 70's Show Ive ever seen.
OMG I HEARD THE FUNNIEST NEWS YESTERDAY!!! I DIED LAUGHING!! It literally put me in a good mood all day.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jarnMF7rD_I&feature=related
I promise you'll be laughing your ass off.
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