My mom is beginning to drive me crazy. nothing new there. you see, she will not stop until she has won, and if she didnt win, your life becomes hell.
the thing is, i cant bring myself to just give her what she wants.
to just be putty and pretend and go along with it " Oh i would love to eat lunch with you and share all the intimate details of my life with you, no it doesnt bother me that you think im a cold hearted child at all! of course i love you and miss you!" knowing that what ever i tell her will be spread like wild fire, and worse. knowing she thinks im a whore and tells my grandmother im engaged and i sleep around, knowing thats all ill ever be to her.
Im not that nice.
Oh, i really wish i were. I know im suppose to forgive. AND I TRY. I REALLY DO. it just all starts up again ,though. She cant change who she is. perhaps thats my fault. I dont know.
I wish I could either completely adore her and forgive her, or be really good at pretending and being shallow.
I wish I had a mother with authority, and a purpose. I really do. I wish I had a mom. She asked if i missed her today. I didnt miss her, I just really wished I did. I wish I had a mom worth missing.
Thing is, I dont recall having one, kinda like the sister thing.
I wish I wish I wish , so badly, that I did. SO much.
so much.